Stepping Up in a Stepfamily

By Annamarie Pederson

For Puyallup Tribal News
Published on: May 01, 2008

According to the National Step Family Resource Center, 30 percent of all children will spend some time in a stepfamily, including stepfamilies where a parent and step-parent are just living together but not married. They also report that perhaps half of all Americans will be in a “step” situation at some point in their lives. If you are a step-parent, stepchild, step-auntie or uncle, step-grandparent – you are not alone.

Relationships between step-parents and stepchildren can be difficult, stressful and, sometimes, openly hostile. If you or your partner is in a step-parent role, here are some points to ponder:

1. Children feel loyal to their biological parents (even if that parent doesn’t deserve it). When kids say things like, “You aren’t my mom!” or “I HATE YOU!” try not to take it personally. You can require children to be civil and respectful, but let love come in its own time.

2. If parents share custody, it is important to keep rules and routines like bedtimes and behavior expectations the same at both homes. This helps children adjust to switching between mom’s home and dad’s home.

3. Consistent discipline for children shuffling between households is also helpful. If Emily gets time-out for ‘talking back’ at mom’s house, then she should also have time-out if she does it at dad’s.

4. The higher the conflict and anger between the divorced parents, the more stressed children feel and they will ‘act-out’ more. Research shows that children of divorced parents do much better when those parents can stay amicable or nice to one another. You don’t have to like your Ex, but being civil to him or her will help your children adjust to the divorce.

5. Don’t expect the “happily ever after” that happens in movies or fairytales. It takes time for stepfamilies to develop their own traditions and shared histories. It takes time for warmth and caring to take root and blossom into respect and love. Be Patient (with yourself and your stepfamily members).

Stepfamilies face unique challenges, but they also are prime opportunities for rich growth. Some resources that might be of interest:

    • Kwawachee Counseling Center

  (provides individual and family counseling)

• www.stepfamilies.info

    • www.thestepfamilylife.com

    • www.stepfamily.org

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